Letting go

My fists have been clenched.  Clenching tight, hanging on for dear life for what?  So much around me is in chaos.  Every single ounce of this cluster fuck of a mess is outside of my control.  Here I am clenching my fists, gasping for breath and filled with anxiety of what is to come next.  I know I can’t change anyone.  I am not that powerful to change anyone.  I so wish I could but I know I cannot.

I observe us and notice how everyone seems to think they have it all figured out.  Everyone thinks they KNOW how everyone else needs to behave to make everything just “peachy”.  Being 100% honest with whoever reads this, I am one of those people.  I feel like shaking people vigorously, screaming in their faces and then give them a very detailed list of how to act and how to treat others.  I like the idea of dictating how others should behave but I know it wouldn’t work.  Free will, it is a bitch.

Also, the question comes up as to why do we want to change others?  Is it to make everyone happy, or is it solely for the purpose of making yourself happy?  Do you just want the human race to act in a way that makes you comfortable?  The more I think about it, the more the ego pops his ugly head out, giggling and laughing at me, hoping I won’t catch on.  Ego, you’re a bitch too!

I dislike the realization my motives are ego based on dictating everyone’s actions.  I’d like to think I want everyone to be happy and live happily ever after.  Being honest with myself, I want to be happy and I want peace.   I want peace so fucking bad I can taste it, but what am I doing to get it?  I don’t want to fight but is that the only way to get it?  I have faith and hope that peace will come.  I am working on accepting everyone must walk their own path and everyone else is outside of my control.  What IS within my control is my own actions and the ability to focus on what I am putting out into the world.

I’m pretty positive and have always been a glass is half full type of a girl.  Lately, it’s been a struggle.  I’m feeling the weight of negativity seeping through everything, everywhere.  It’s becoming difficult to shake.  How do we persevere?  How do I hold my head up and keep the faith that things will get better?  How do I stay positive when I want to crawl into a hole and give up?

I see the suffering, violence, and anger going on around me and my heart breaks for everyone going through so much pain.  I feel my fists unclenching, releasing the rage.  I know we’re all hurting and are doing the best we can with what we have.  I tell myself we are doing our best, over and over and over again.  Sometimes it helps, but sometimes I just become agitated myself.  I know we’re all struggling.  So much hate and anger.  It is so hard to focus on much of anything else.  I am very much looking forward to world peace and embrace it with open arms.  Until that time gets here I will “keep on, keeping on.”  I will put one foot in front of the other and do my best to find the silver lining, being the bright light I know I am.  I will continue to help where I can.  I am letting go of the things I cannot control and I open my arms in an offering of a warm hug, that is accepting and willing to show patience, acceptance and love, regardless if I think it is deserved or not.  Really, everyone deserves love, and if another human is not capable of showing love perhaps it is important another human show them how.  I don’t know how to love my enemy or someone I think is evil but I can try to show compassion.  I can attempt to hear them, even if I don’t agree with them.  I can stand up for myself and others.  I can send as much love and light as I possibly can into the world and hope for the best.

I breathe out and let go of anger, fear, and hopelessness.  I breathe in hope, compassion, love and patience.

who am I

I have all of these expectations of who I am and who I am supposed to be.  I believe the expectations or lack of achieving such large goals is what is throwing me off my balance.  I am trying to be who I am supposed to be but I don’t think you should have to try so hard to be someone.  To me if you’re trying you’re probably not being yourself and in turn attempting to be something your not.  I feel like I am two people the brilliant one in my head and the crazy, insecure and neurotic girl that is my ego.  I still haven’t figured out how to lose my ego completely.  I am working on it but I’m not sure what that says.  I want so many things in my life but it is such a fine line between figuring out what I truly want because all things are impermanent and will cease to be so I try to not get attached to things.  I feel this is one huge struggle for me.  Of all the people I know I really am one of the least materialistic, but again I don’t know how much that is saying.  I do still have entirely way too much stuff.  Stuff I don’t use, haven’t seen in a while and some of it I just accumulate.  Yet, it is so difficult to give up the stuff.  Why?  We do we put so much value in these items we accumulate in our lives and associate our value with them?
I would say I’m torn about what to feel about items and things.  I have been listening to a lot of spiritual teachers discussing energy that we put out into the Universe is what the Universe sends back to us.  I understand the theory and it makes complete sense.  I want to love stuff and things and appreciate everything while it is in my life, stuff and people but realize one day it will cease to be and be okay with that.  It is very difficult to let things go.  Even if you picture it as a hot coal.  I guess all is a perspective of balance. Perhaps that is why I am struggling with mine?  I want to get into my vortex of wonderful, amazing things that are set up for me to experience and be but why am I so afraid of getting there?  I know I am the only one keeping me from this amazing life I am going to have.  I understand I am keeping myself from having it but I really want to be happy with my life the way it is.  All of us have this amazing vortex of happiness and everything we’ve ever desired but we are what is keeping us from it.  Why is it so difficult to be happy with what you have?  I give gratitude all the time but I don’t know if I’m grateful enough.  There is always something to be grateful for it is always a matter of perspective.  My perspective has been a bit off lately.  I am struggling with my desires or I should say that I am struggling with giving up my desires.  I want, I want, I want… that is really what all of us are thinking all of the time.  It is a bit difficult not to be selfish.  After all we are living our lives no one else it, however everyone else seems to be doing a pretty good job of making us unhappy and we know exactly what others should do to modify their behavior to make us happy.  Yet, they never do.  Selfish bastards just do whatever makes them happy instead of us.  Or we lie to ourselves thinking some item or thing will bring us happiness.  Only to get the item and soon after receiving it, lose enjoyment in it and quickly need something else.  It is a cycle we all can’t seem to break.  Why do we put so much emphasis on stuff and things?  Perhaps the first step is getting rid of some of the crap we don’t need.  Okay so my plan is to do a little purging…My goal will be 30 items of clothing to donate, 3 pairs of shoes, 5 purses/bags, 5 books, and as I’m trying to itemize crap I don’t need I’m going to blanket another 20 items of various degrees to donate or give away to someone who will use the item.  It is time to purge and rebalance.  I am a strong women and I am amazed by my will power.  I have given up sex, meat, dairy and eggs, alcohol, soda and a few other things I can get my shit together and get into a more positive space.  I can do it.  I will do it.  I am looking forward to what I will create.  I have been listening to my self talk and I still need to change a few thoughts but I am getting there.

The space to write

I struggle writing since most of my thoughts flow out of me quicker than I can write them down.  I have tried pen to paper, however, my hand tires and I don’t get much accomplished before my mind starts to wander.  My computer sits collecting dust.  I don’t really enjoy using my computer, I’m not sure why?   What I have found to achieve the most efficient results for me is lying in my bed, under my covers with a pillow on my lap propping my laptop at an acceptable height, and allow my fingers to type my random thoughts away.  I am aware that is not the most agronomical route to type but it is what seems to work.  I have been looking for the perfect desk and chair but I’m not having much luck in that department.  So until I find a better tool I will go with what is working for me.

Other than the steady hum of my fan there is silence when I write, no music or background noise.  I prefer silence so I can hear my own thoughts.  I prefer my physical place I write to be without distractions however much like my life right now I am surrounded by clutter.  Clutter drives me nuts and I have been telling myself it’s only temporary, so I leave it and say I’ll deal with it later.   Really if I waited until all my conditions were met and my surrounding are exactly how I want them I don’t know if I’d ever write.  My preferences and reality are two very different things at the moment.  Which tells me I am not living in sync with source and I am so looking forward to when I get in alignment with source.

For these assignments, I like thinking about them for a minute before I actually sit down and type my thoughts out.  While I’m driving from place to place or have some down time I allow the question of the assignment to go over my brain a few times thinking about what I am going to write and I search my brain as if I am looking for the answer to come to me.  Eventually, some words start to arise and I watch them unravel to see where they go, hoping I will remember them long enough to write them down once I have my laptop in front of me.  When I finally get comfortable at home on my bed and place my fingers over the keys I breathe and wait for the words to come again and hope they sound intelligent.  I try not to question what I write, however, it is far too easy to judge and criticize my own work.  A bit of organized chaos, as is life.

If you have some time to take a short survey I would greatly appreciate your feedback for what I should focus on writing once I am no longer being told what to write about.  Thank you so much for your feedback!

Much Love,
Amy

social media

Writing 101 day 5 response to social media tweet…..

You live and learn.  Or so they say.  It seems as I get older the more I know that I don’t know anything.  But really do we need to know?  Why do we always feel we need to have everything figured out?  Why do we have to understand everything?  Maybe life isn’t about the answer perhaps life is about the question.  Maybe we really aren’t supposed to know everything so we never stop asking questions.  I accept I don’t know anything and I feel once I’ve accepted my ignorance on life the easier it was to listen and learn.  Society spend so much time talking because we all feel we have the answers and have so much figured out when really we don’t.  We have views and opinions but do we really have facts?  Once we accept we don’t know we allow ourselves to stop talking and allow the silence, then in the silence we can finally hear.

My audience

For blogging 101 I am supposed to identify my audience.  I started writing a few books over the last two years about my experiences in my life and it took me a while to share one with two of my closest friends.  They both gave me good advise but one pointed out that I didn’t have my audience in mind when I was writing and she didn’t really see why anyone that didn’t know me would be interested in reading it.  She was right.  I didn’t engage my reader or even think about if anyone would care.  I was selfish and wrote for myself.  To be completely honest I still kind of am writing for myself.  I write to my soul and hope something clicks.

My main goal is getting comfortable with people reading what I write.  I do feel tense and anxious once I publish something.  I’m not sure where the fear comes from.  Really is it that big of a deal?  Well at least not as big of a deal as I make it out to be.  I haven’t had too many peers visit my blog yet but I am so grateful to those that have.  It’s not as painful as I imagined it would be.  It is actually kind of nice having a community.  I have been struggling with the female collective pain body this week and the struggle is real.  Every single month is the same thing and it doesn’t get easier.  However I am aware of the uncertainty and negativity.  I am so grateful for taking these classes and getting out of my comfort zone.  It has been so nice to publish and have some direction.  I also have very much enjoyed reading other bloggers posts.  Not only have I enjoyed it, I needed it.  So many have lifted me up and told me what I needed to hear.  Some have made me laugh and some have made me sad.  Either way I am grateful to my fellow bloggers.

As I learn how to do this and where I am going I hope to reach an audience of my people.  Those people that feel a little different and have thoughts racing through their minds.  People that feel it is necessary to express what is built up within themselves.  Those people like me that are just trying to figure out how to communicate their visions and ideas to the rest of the world.

A story with a single image

For my writing 101…writing a story with a single image and it has been a minute since I’ve written fiction. 

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He pulled up to the top of the mountain and put his Jeep in park.  He closed his eyes and deeply breathed in the crisp air into his lungs.  As he exhaled he noticed the stress from the day flowed out of him.  His face felt lighter.  He felt the smile slowly come from within and creep out onto his face.  He opened his eyes and looked at the beauty around him.

He had such a stressful day and week at work but all of the thoughts and lists melted away.  He thought to himself I really should do this more.  He stopped and listened to what he was thinking and corrected his thought, “I could do this more.”  He smiled.  He decided he was going to enjoy the moment just as it was.  No thinking, no noise, just silence and being one with what is.

He opened the door and stepped out on to the road and went off on a long walk in nature.  He smiled joyfully from within and let it shine through out his body.  He listened to the wind gently blowing the leaves.  He listened to the birds sing their own love song to nature.  He felt the warm sun shine down on his face telling him everything was going to be okay.  He felt the sun fill him with joy and peace.  He took notice of everything, shutting off the internal dialogue long enough to listen to nature.  He couldn’t contain his joy and felt as if he was a kid again.  Starting his day out he was drained and tired but now found a renewed energy.  He ran and jumped along the trail as if he were a child exploring for the first time.  He found his way back to his innocence.  He knew he wanted to keep this feeling for as long as he could.

Uncertainty

Out of; treasure, regret, home, love, uncertainty and secret, the word I resonate with most right now is uncertainty.  My life is filled with uncertainty.  I feel like my soul would want me to write about love but I am still filled with fear and doubt.  I know what energy we put out, the Universe sends us back.  I read a lot of spiritual books and understand the Laws of Attraction enough to know even though something is true doesn’t mean one should focus on it because that thing we focus on will appear more in our lives.   However, I feel I need to process my thoughts to let them go.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t know if I have made the right choice in quitting my stable job with benefits to go find myself.  I don’t know how I am going to get to where I am supposed to be.  I am uncertain how to make a significant change in the world.  I don’t know how to help anyone stop suffering and I’m not really sure how to stop my own.  I don’t know what life is going to send my way and I’m not sure how I am going to deal with it.  I hope to be a source of light and love and patience.  I hope to respond with love when faced with hate.  I’d say I’m 90% positive love and 10% mirror of what I get or bitch.  It is a vast improvement from 100% mirror of what I was given, if not stepping up the anger and negativity a notch.

I question all of my choices and decisions I’ve made.  I want so much to help other people.  I want to help others find their way but how the fuck can I help anyone when I don’t have the slightest clue as to where I am going?  I feel as if I am trying so hard but I am paddling upstream and getting no where.  I so want to drop the paddles and chill as the river takes me to where I am supposed to be but it is so hard to let go.  I want to have faith that everything is turning out exactly as it should be.  I want to keep the faith that everything on my journey has happened for a reason and that all the horrible shit that happened was lessons to teach me what I needed to know.  I have become a keen observer of my thoughts.   I project positive energy but I listen to my thoughts and hear the negative tone that creeps in through out the day.  I catch myself and can usually stop the thought.  There are times where I don’t stop the negative thoughts and see the negativity increase and more shit unfolds as I know I am creating it, which pisses me off more.

Our lives may be a play we all are creating but knowing that doesn’t make it any easier to create the life you want.  I feel like it should be easier to get to where you want to be.  I understand that this indecisiveness and doubt is an indicator that I am not living my  life in sync with my soul.  It is temporary and I will get to where I am going.  At least I really hope I do.  I am trying to let go of expectations and go with the flow of life but how does one ungrasp their fingers around the need to control ones life?  I so want to let go.  I want to love everyone unconditionally.  I want to be the bright light I know I am.  I want to let go of fear.  So what is stopping me?  My ego?  I chose my choice and I need to let my emotions arise as they come and be okay with them.  Observe them.  Let them go.  I will be okay.  I am okay.  My path is laid out in front of me and I just need to keep taking steps.  I will get to where I am going.  Just keep trying, be patient and love as much as I can.  Maybe we aren’t supposed to know what is next.  Maybe if we did know the crap that lay before us we would chicken out and run the other way.  Perhaps the point in life is having faith in yourself and you will be able to handle it?  Either way I love myself a little more and feel my fingers unclench slightly.