My fists have been clenched. Clenching tight, hanging on for dear life for what? So much around me is in chaos. Every single ounce of this cluster fuck of a mess is outside of my control. Here I am clenching my fists, gasping for breath and filled with anxiety of what is to come next. I know I can’t change anyone. I am not that powerful to change anyone. I so wish I could but I know I cannot.
I observe us and notice how everyone seems to think they have it all figured out. Everyone thinks they KNOW how everyone else needs to behave to make everything just “peachy”. Being 100% honest with whoever reads this, I am one of those people. I feel like shaking people vigorously, screaming in their faces and then give them a very detailed list of how to act and how to treat others. I like the idea of dictating how others should behave but I know it wouldn’t work. Free will, it is a bitch.
Also, the question comes up as to why do we want to change others? Is it to make everyone happy, or is it solely for the purpose of making yourself happy? Do you just want the human race to act in a way that makes you comfortable? The more I think about it, the more the ego pops his ugly head out, giggling and laughing at me, hoping I won’t catch on. Ego, you’re a bitch too!
I dislike the realization my motives are ego based on dictating everyone’s actions. I’d like to think I want everyone to be happy and live happily ever after. Being honest with myself, I want to be happy and I want peace. I want peace so fucking bad I can taste it, but what am I doing to get it? I don’t want to fight but is that the only way to get it? I have faith and hope that peace will come. I am working on accepting everyone must walk their own path and everyone else is outside of my control. What IS within my control is my own actions and the ability to focus on what I am putting out into the world.
I’m pretty positive and have always been a glass is half full type of a girl. Lately, it’s been a struggle. I’m feeling the weight of negativity seeping through everything, everywhere. It’s becoming difficult to shake. How do we persevere? How do I hold my head up and keep the faith that things will get better? How do I stay positive when I want to crawl into a hole and give up?
I see the suffering, violence, and anger going on around me and my heart breaks for everyone going through so much pain. I feel my fists unclenching, releasing the rage. I know we’re all hurting and are doing the best we can with what we have. I tell myself we are doing our best, over and over and over again. Sometimes it helps, but sometimes I just become agitated myself. I know we’re all struggling. So much hate and anger. It is so hard to focus on much of anything else. I am very much looking forward to world peace and embrace it with open arms. Until that time gets here I will “keep on, keeping on.” I will put one foot in front of the other and do my best to find the silver lining, being the bright light I know I am. I will continue to help where I can. I am letting go of the things I cannot control and I open my arms in an offering of a warm hug, that is accepting and willing to show patience, acceptance and love, regardless if I think it is deserved or not. Really, everyone deserves love, and if another human is not capable of showing love perhaps it is important another human show them how. I don’t know how to love my enemy or someone I think is evil but I can try to show compassion. I can attempt to hear them, even if I don’t agree with them. I can stand up for myself and others. I can send as much love and light as I possibly can into the world and hope for the best.
I breathe out and let go of anger, fear, and hopelessness. I breathe in hope, compassion, love and patience.